12 Rules for Dealing with a Grudge

        Much to my chagrin, I’ve always struggled with letting things go.  Be it forgiveness of myself or of others, that can be a hard thing to ask when I’ve been hurt or upset.  That’s why I try to figure out how to deal with that and improve my handling when something bad happens again (as it inevitably will).
Since I know I can’t always control my emotions, I try to create a key series of rules to follow so that I don’t do things I’ll regret or make things worse.  Even if I can’t feel the greatest, knowing I have a plan can help me get through it and readjust.  So in this case, I thought I’d share my rules and see if they help anyone else.

1. “Sometimes, it is best to leave well enough alone” - Emotions can be hard to control.  If you can’t be cordial or respectful to that person and there is no benefit to continuing a relationship, it can be best to walk away.  Don’t simply ignore it, actively minimize it in your life until you forget it exists.
2. Learn from it and make it positive - Chances are you’ve learned something from it or can find a truth to it you can use in future relationships.  Ask yourself what it is you have learned and how you can use that to improve your life or the lives of others in the future.  Doing that will make your life better and reduce negative consequences for yourself and others from it.
3. Ask yourself what’s bothering you - Sometimes another person may only be the face of something that’s really bothering you.  Make sure your anger is correctly invested.
4. Don’t blame yourself - You’ve probably done things you regret that led up to what’s causing the grudge.  However, the other person did actions that upset you as well and the decisions you made likely made the most sense at the time.  If you really went in with the best of intentions, then harping on yourself is only going to make you angrier and promote the grudge so most importantly don’t try to put all the blame on yourself.
5. Find support - Always try to replace bad memories with good ones.  Find people who can get you through your bad times and try to focus more on a time with them than time with people you don’t get along with.  In the end, it will make your time more productive and get you through emotional strife.
6. Don’t spread gossip - Anything you do today can have a lasting impact on people in the future.  You can change somebody else’s opinion of that person or you can impact your relationship with them in ways you can’t imagine.  That person may change but what you spread behind their back will hound them for a long time, even if they aren’t the same person.  So try to speak neutrally about them and don’t use their name.  Just say “this person did this” or something to that effect.  Now, you may be more open to discussing that with family or very close friends who don’t know that person, but beyond that try not to say things that will last with that person longer than you will be angry at them.
7. Humanize and be honest about your opponent, but don’t praise them - The person you are angry at is likely flawed, and may have problems in their own life.  You don’t know what got them to that decision and you don’t know why they do the things they do.  Likely, the decisions they make may make sense to them at the time just as yours make sense to you at the time so they hopefully didn’t have bad intentions.  So remember that they’re flawed as well and have to deal with their own flaws more than you do.  However, don’t say nice things about them to mask your pain.  Doing so is not being honest about how you feel about them, and giving them praise you don’t give yourself will cause envy for what you give them.
8. Respect their independence - As a human being, another person has the full ability to make decisions of their own.  You can’t control them and trying to will make you into something bad.  However, they also bear responsibility for their mistakes, you don’t.  You won’t be held accountable when they do something you don’t like, they will.  So just being willing to accept that they will need to deal with the results of their actions whether it be positive or negative is on their shoulders, not yours.
9. Compare how you handle this grudge to a previous grudge - if you handle this one better than a previous one, that shows improvement.  Improvement should remind you you’re handling it better.
10. Pray for them, but never for your own benefit - God wants this for those we consider enemies.  We must want the best for them by his plan.  Praying for them both reminds us of that and lets us put that burden on the almighty who is always happy to deal with it in ways we can’t.  However, don’t ask God to change that person in ways to please you, ask him to do so in ways that please him.  He knows what they need and what we need so he is a better judge.  Asking him to change that person for yourself means you are putting your interests above God’s.  Asking him to enter that person's heart for their own benefit and God’s acknowledges that the end result you may still not like, but you will respect his decision, their independence, and hope good can still come from them.
11. Want them to get to Heaven - We are hopefully going to spend eternity in heaven, and God loves everyone so that means he loves the people we don’t.  We will be spending eternity with them then, but when their flaws and ours are gone so we won’t be fighting anymore.  Remember, God gets to decide who gets to heaven, and you don’t.  Acknowledging that means you will be with them at a point when all your mistakes are gone and theirs are too, so every petty disagreement will be behind us.  After all, hell is eternal and your anger at and memory of that person will fade long before hell’s wrath.  It then seems unfair that they should suffer for something that will be forgotten.  So never want that for someone else, and always want the best for all people.  For God always knows best, for all of us
12. Acknowledge you won’t live up to these rules - All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.  You will likely break your own rules and do things that violate them and you will regret it.  After all, man is naturally sinful due to original sin.  Be aware you will do that, but find ways to forgive yourself and make up for it.  Never forget, you are not perfect, but that’s not a reason to stop trying to be better.

These are my standards of how I try to deal with a grudge.  As 12 states, I don’t live up to them.  However, I believe that being aware will at least give me goals and ways to overcome my failings.  So while I try to move on from my own dissatisfaction, they give me guidance on what to do so that I don’t act on emotions I may regret later.  I hope any of these are useful in the future to you, the reader.